Remembering Not To Forget
“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” G.K. Chesterton
I remember feeling betrayed the day my good friend said, “Weaver, you know we are out here fighting for oil, right?”
There was this internal hatred that welled up inside. Could it be true? I was so infuriated, I wanted to punch him in the face. Why did I feel so betrayed to the point of wanting to inflict violence on a friend?
We were three months into a seven-month deployment, in the middle of what might be described as a Godforsaken land; how could a place like that be the cradle of civilization? I’d read about it in the Bible too many times to count. Present-day Iraq is the historical location of the Garden of Eden.
September 11, 2001
If you were born in the early nineties or before, you probably remember the exact location you were when the Twin Towers were attacked. I was already in the military, working at Camp Pendleton, Naval Hospital, when one of my fellow Corpsmen said, “Weaver, come here man you gotta see this.”
We entered the breakroom, and that moment was frozen in time as I watched two passenger airlines collide into the Twin Towers. I knew the moment I saw it, America would go to war.
Here’s the toll taken that day.
Overall Total
The 9/11 attacks killed 2,977 people — the single largest loss of life resulting from a foreign attack on American soil. This figure excludes the 19 hijackers.1
Breakdown by Location
At the World Trade Center in New York City, 2,753 people died, of whom 343 were firefighters. The death toll at the Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, was 184, and 40 individuals died outside Shanksville, Pennsylvania.
First Responders
The attacks caused the deaths of 441 first responders, the greatest loss of emergency responders on a single day in American history.
International Victims
More than 90 countries lost citizens in the attacks.
Long-Term Illness Deaths
By 2020, the NYPD confirmed that 247 of its officers had died from 9/11-related illnesses, and by September 2022, the FDNY confirmed 299 firefighters had died from such illnesses. Both agencies believe the death toll will rise dramatically in the coming years.
I watched President Bush speak to the nation from Ground Zero.
The Moment after which Everything Changed
Late 2002
There are these moments in life after which everything changes. We make life-altering decisions: walk away from the known, decide to move out of the country we were born in, make big career shifts, and the like. They usually happen just after we shift our paradigms.
I had one of these moments when I checked into my unit in Kuwait, where we would prepare to enter Iraq for the next few months.
I was standing in line with military folks and remember thinking, I’m probably going to die out here, so I might as well live fearlessly. I came to terms with my situation psychologically. Up until that point, I’d wrestled with a ton of fear, the type of haunting, paralyzing fear that consumed me. Have you been struck by fear like this?
That day, I decided to compartmentalize my mortality; I came to terms with dying for my country and the people who were back in my great nation. It was a very freeing moment, one in which I convinced myself it’s okay if I die out here because the people and ideals I’m fighting for are worth it.
Early 2003
Back in Iraq. I’d just finished reading Bush at War,2 a book that goes into great detail about the events leading up to 9/11. I still have the copy I read in Iraq; it’s dog-eared and dusty from being there with me in all that sand.
Twenty-three years later—that statement from my friend—it’s still with me. It’s still a question mark in my mind. That moment in Iraq when my friend said, “Weaver, you know we are out here fighting for oil, right?”
I felt betrayed when my friend said it, by him or my country, and I wondered if the world had been betrayed.
I had a three-year-old daughter back home, along with friends and family. Our nation watched as people leapt out of windows to escape the heat caused by the flames engulfing the Twin Towers.3 There were so many emotions weighing down on me. Why did I want to hurt my friend? I couldn’t process it all. I yelled, “I’m warning you, shut the fuck up,” and then I had to walk away.
The Reason for this Story
A short time later, I was back in Kuwait awaiting orders to return home. Most of the people I entered Iraq with made it back safely; some didn’t. Thank Christ I was one of them.
We were now in a holding period. The wheels of the government grind slowly, there’s a saying that anyone who’s served will recognize. “Hurry up and wait.”
Over the course of my deployment, I received many letters from family and friends, along with packages, so while waiting, I had a chance to catch up on them.
I remember checking a bank statement. I had the largest balance I’d ever seen. While serving in a warzone, the military receives hazardous duty pay, a little extra, and there was nowhere to spend it for months, so it just accumulated.
More than thirteen-thousand dollars were sitting in my account. The ideas of where and how I would spend it began flooding my mind. I could buy that sports car I’d always wanted, or maybe invest it, no—no investing, that’s too boring, I’d risked my life for this money. All the ideas were ushered in. I was dreaming again.
And then I was struck with a thought that stopped me; it sobered me, and took me far away from the things I was dreaming of. It’s the whole point behind this story.
I said to myself, I would give every dollar in my bank account to be home with my loved ones, in the country I love, for just one day.
I think about this story a lot. I remind myself that the freedoms we have are often forgotten. I remind myself that the people I love are the most important part of life.
I remind myself that I’ve spent time at war, where I thought I would die, and that moment after which everything changed, the time when I told myself that I’d live with abandon and take every opportunity to relish the day.
I remind myself of these things because they are easily forgotten. I remind myself that we often take the most important things for granted.
My hope is that this story helps you remember what’s most important in your life.
You don’t have to be a soldier to go to battle; you just have to remember why you are fighting.
This story is not about war or betrayal or money or oil. It’s about remembering not to forget about what we are fighting for, the people and ideals we love.
“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.”
Have you benefited from my writing? If so, consider helping me continue. I run on coffee and inspiration.
National September 11 Memorial & Museum — 911memorial.org
Bush at War, Bob Woodward, 2002.